So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize