I just pynch a tree in the face
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
