my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
