im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
