How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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