dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
