Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just gargled with NyQuil
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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