first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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