he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
