Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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