I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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