walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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