I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
we're so committed to being not committed
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
