Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
