Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
