I CAN MOONWALK!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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