Got a toothbrush?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
