i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
