Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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