I puked a lego.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
