; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
