Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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