what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
