Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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