Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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