I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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