I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the condom got lost in my hair
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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