Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
