You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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