getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
