you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
