I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
