i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
