If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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