the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
