I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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