I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
