She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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