shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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