god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize