I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
