Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
