She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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