You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
