I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
