The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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