I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
