I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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