I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
