I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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