Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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