my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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