the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
