Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
