look no pants
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
