Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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